Thursday, May 20, 2010

Those Care Free Days of Yonder...

I'm sitting here, staring at a fairly blank screen, my Starbucks extra hot, skinny, cinnamon dolce latte just to the left of my screen . It is 9:18 p.m. at night. I can hear the clink of coins being counted & know that in less than an hour, they will close up for the night.
And I am worrying.
I do a lot of that recently; it seems to happen whenever I dredge up my roots & start moving in another direction. Or the same direction. It really doesn't matter.
Andrew leaves shortly to start his job in Port Hope. I couldn't be happier to know that he is working away at a musical this summer, and in such a pretty part of the country as well.
Because of this job he has had to leave the one he had in the office.
Which makes me worry.
I worry about whether or not he will be able to find another job.
I worry about health insurance.
I worry about finding a great place to rent.

Today I did some catering. It's not the hardest job in the world and today I was pleasantly surprised with how smoothly everything went. But I look at the ladies working in the office, I glance down at their high-heeled shoes that all end in points. I see their well-coiffed hair & nails. I notice their pretty blouses & matching skirts.
And then I worry.
I worry that I might not have picked the right profession.
I worry that I will end up looking back & thinking that I had wasted my life.
I worry that I may never be able to properly provide for my family & that I will forever be walking in the shadow of what I could have been, rather than what I am.

And I know that all of this doesn't matter. I know that it will all work out & that Andrew & I will be able to find future employment and that I will be loved no matter what.

How dark are the eyes of jealousy & despair. How absolute the act of giving in.

And there it is: that wonderful quote of Winston Churchill: "Never, never, never, never give up."
And I have to smile.

Because although I may dream about getting an office job & buying a simple house & being able to decorate it, I know that if I could not express myself through the arts I would be giving up.

And that is one thing I am not very good at.

1 comment:

Shana-Marie said...

Hi... I'm Shana, I went to Highschool with Andrew, and I read your blog each and every single time it updates.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was a kid, I had dreams of being in the arts, but life happened and my dreams got put on hold.

I got a job in an office, I wore shoes with pointy toes and matching blouses. I traveled to different offices, and I loved the job I had. I was good at it.

But I HATED my life. I lost who I was, and it's taken me YEARS to find myself again.

The long and short of it is this. If you worry about 'wasting' your life... you would be if you gave up on the creative parts of your soul.

Don't give up.

Hugs and hope
~SM