I'm sitting here, staring at a fairly blank screen, my Starbucks extra hot, skinny, cinnamon dolce latte just to the left of my screen . It is 9:18 p.m. at night. I can hear the clink of coins being counted & know that in less than an hour, they will close up for the night.
And I am worrying.
I do a lot of that recently; it seems to happen whenever I dredge up my roots & start moving in another direction. Or the same direction. It really doesn't matter.
Andrew leaves shortly to start his job in Port Hope. I couldn't be happier to know that he is working away at a musical this summer, and in such a pretty part of the country as well.
Because of this job he has had to leave the one he had in the office.
Which makes me worry.
I worry about whether or not he will be able to find another job.
I worry about health insurance.
I worry about finding a great place to rent.
Today I did some catering. It's not the hardest job in the world and today I was pleasantly surprised with how smoothly everything went. But I look at the ladies working in the office, I glance down at their high-heeled shoes that all end in points. I see their well-coiffed hair & nails. I notice their pretty blouses & matching skirts.
And then I worry.
I worry that I might not have picked the right profession.
I worry that I will end up looking back & thinking that I had wasted my life.
I worry that I may never be able to properly provide for my family & that I will forever be walking in the shadow of what I could have been, rather than what I am.
And I know that all of this doesn't matter. I know that it will all work out & that Andrew & I will be able to find future employment and that I will be loved no matter what.
How dark are the eyes of jealousy & despair. How absolute the act of giving in.
And there it is: that wonderful quote of Winston Churchill: "Never, never, never, never give up."
And I have to smile.
Because although I may dream about getting an office job & buying a simple house & being able to decorate it, I know that if I could not express myself through the arts I would be giving up.
And that is one thing I am not very good at.